My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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Employees must applaud the planets.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze