My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
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The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.