My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
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Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
new wife guy just dropped
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
This is the best one I’ve seen