My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
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I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Lucky old June.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
my favorite genre of twitter
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.