My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
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I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
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