My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
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I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter