My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
You Might Also Like
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Living the best life.. 😊
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
My daily affirmation
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I have questions??
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick