My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
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“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.