My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
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You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult