My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
You Might Also Like
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
was Jim off killing horses or…
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.