My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
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co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Feel. He’s so soft.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Gemma Correll
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I’m ready for Halloween this year
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.