My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
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just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
How wrong was this guy?
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.