[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
You Might Also Like
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
haha same
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions