my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
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[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
is this meant to deter me
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
awkward
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey