My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
You Might Also Like
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Oh yeah that’s it
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
my one true gender
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.