my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

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Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it


*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course


I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.


Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB


HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!


If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore


I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.


Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito


My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.


If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!