@IamEnidColeslaw

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

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@AbbieEvansXO

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

@FatherWithTwins

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

@chrisanna4real

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

@CountMackula

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

@goldengateblond

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

@iwearaonesie

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

@sixfootcandy

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

@trashcanbee

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

@rcromwell4

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

@chrissyteigen

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!