My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.
“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Me checking my bank balance online.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
jesus christ confetti not now
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
