@XplodingUnicorn Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
@TitansHomer My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
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@XplodingUnicorn 
@mejustbeth It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
@CliffDuffy Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
@Cyd10e Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
@wolfpupy heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
@Probgoblin The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
@reczit Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
@WhatevaConc If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
@Izianikapani I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
@msdanifernandez [dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend