@TitansHomer

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

@mejustbeth

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

@CliffDuffy

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

@Cyd10e

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

@wolfpupy

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

@Probgoblin

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

@reczit

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

@WhatevaConc

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

@Izianikapani

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

@msdanifernandez

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend