My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
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Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Adultry does not sound fun at all
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?