My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

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‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”


I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.


Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right


She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.


A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”


Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.


My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?


Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out


Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays