My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
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‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
no!! no!!!!!!
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica