My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
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One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?