My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
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Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
🔦🌙👣
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse