my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
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Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
who will stop them
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
There are no pants in heaven.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*