my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
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My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
ok this is my dumbest yet
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’