My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
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Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.