My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
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All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Blew my mind.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??