My coworker complained that I pee too loud to my boss but I refuse to moan silently
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Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?