My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
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Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
how much does a mortician urn in a year
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.