My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*


Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.


If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.


[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
Now watch as I try to put it out


The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.


[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?


Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.


Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.