My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
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Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
tis the season
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.