My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 馃槶
We鈥檙e all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
me: did you know there鈥檚 a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I鈥檓 not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par鈥攚hat did they name it after?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 馃檨
It鈥檚 bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we鈥檒l stay alive.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I鈥檓 here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don鈥檛 you have an office?
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job