My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
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I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids