My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
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me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Good morning.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭