My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
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If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.