Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
You Might Also Like
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
*sees a fly*
*trying to swat fly*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the