My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
You Might Also Like
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I’m not lazy
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I feel seen
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.