@slaughthie

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

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@chewlongkok_

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

@paigeofmylife2

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

@itsBABYSMITH

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

@AimeeHelene1

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

@BadWolfArchives

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!


Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

@kryzazzy

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

@Samiam556

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

@JoParkerBear

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

@HomeProbably

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

@truegritrumble

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.