My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
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People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Thrilling chase underway
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.