My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

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Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.


My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.


mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.


*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.


Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-


Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly


Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”


Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.


My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.


HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.