@chewlongkok_ Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
@slaughthie My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
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@chewlongkok_ 
@paigeofmylife2 My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
@itsBABYSMITH mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
@AimeeHelene1 *thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
@BadWolfArchives Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
@kryzazzy Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
@Samiam556 Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
@JoParkerBear Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
@HomeProbably My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
@truegritrumble HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.