My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
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I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
My brain is a bad influence on me
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Dance like you’re not the father
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Pizza is an emotion right?
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter