My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
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I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Stop sending me this shit.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.