My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
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When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.