My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
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BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.