My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
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If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”