My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
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God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”