My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
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Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that: