My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
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Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
quarantine day 3
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
How can I say no to this ?
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
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You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault