@tatsabrat

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

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@KateWhineHall

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

@rockymomax

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

@sarcasticmommy4

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

@No_1BullshitGuy

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

@david8hughes

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

@timdonakowski

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

@damagedprincess

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

@psybermonkey

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

@DurtMcHurtt

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

@Arrogant_Twat

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.