My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
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Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’