My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
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As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Bruh PLEASE
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?