My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
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When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?