My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
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My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
This took me a second..
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.