My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
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“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?