My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
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Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
A drum solo but on your face.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
barbara was highly relatable
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes