My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
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Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Why soy sad?
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.