My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
You Might Also Like
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
😬
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968